To the Former United States Attorney General William Pelham Barr

Republicans doing the bare minimum for the USA - I

Hey Billy,

How’s retirement treating you? As much as people like yourself retire. You don’t really strike me as the type to be driving around in some buddy’s fancy RV. In case you are, a little heads up that most RV parks are full of characters flying Trump flags. Might need to go incognito since you had that last minute split with the Trumpster in Chief. Some may overlook your resignation since you were the person with the most cred to prop the Donald up during the second half of his reign. Which did position him for his Redneck Putsch. I don’t think anyone expected you to fill the shoes of the great Kenny Chesebro or the titanesque Sidney Powell. Would you have stuck around the Four Seasons with Rudy if you were still in the game? I’m guessing you wouldn’t have. Trump needed a wartime consigliere who could handle the smell of death and sex in the air without breaking stride. No offense but you are a little to clean cut and corporate for an endeavor of this sort. Pardoning a few rascals selling guns and shit to Hezbollah is tiddlywinks compared to stealing a US election. It was good thinking to switch over to using crack to fund the fight against those radical leftwing liberal Sandinistas though. If you were advising in any of those meetings. You think Hezbollah still has any of those missiles leftover from back then? Those old and rusty fuckers would probably break apart and fall down on some Lebanese city if they lit the fuse now. Talk about a win-win for the good guys. Weird how things come full circle ain’t it. But hey, some of my old girlfriends turned out to be real doozies so I ain’t one to hound a man about ancient mistakes while playing the game of life at the highest of levels.

I do have something to run past you about more recent history. You sure there wasn’t nothing going on with Russia and Trump? I know hindsight is 20/20 but did Putin’s war of aggression in The Ukraine ever make you stroke your chin while polishing off a scotch or two? It’s just that Lt. Col. Vindman was using presentsight when he blew the whistle on the less than perfect phone call between Trump and Zelenskyy on what I assume was a hot July day. Humid at least. Do you remember what Trump was talking about? He tried to say The Ukraine interfered in the 2016 election. Tried to get a foreign investigation of Joe. And the kicker, threatened to withhold military aid along with a White House invite. I’m sure Vindman didn’t know Putin would be starting a war in a few years any more than he knew he would be fucking JB Smoove’s woman on Curb Your Enthusiasm but he knew something was fishy. Maybe you thought that’s just how it smells when Trump is cooking up the art of his deal. What about now though? Is the radical leftwing liberal agenda really worse than a treasonous reach around between the sheets with Putin? I am under the impression you still think reelecting Trump is better than having Biden or god forbid a younger liberal dem.

Help me out for a sec here. Do you consider Bernie and AOC to be part of this liberal wing hell bent on destroying the country? A lot of people like Bernie and his ideas. And AOC’s climate stuff seems to be holding up as new record highs are being set. Try parking an RV in Phoenix next summer if you would wanna see for yourself. Any chance you are conflating vocal radical randos with what the core of elected democrats are pushing? And technically, AOC and Bernie are the two most liberal high profile members of the democratic Party. Hard to say the agenda of these two is worse than the agenda of treasonous insurrectionism. But hey, one man’s floor is another man’s ceiling and all.

What’s got your goat, Bill? Is it defund the popo, transitioning tweens and minor teens, making every single USA issue about race, banning plastic bags, interpretation of asylum laws, pro-looting positions, political correctness or a little bit of all. There are some positions that get more airplay on the left than some may deserve. Many of these positions are weaker than 69. Come to think of it, I bet I could debase these flimsier positions in about two weeks with the following: four bottles of scotch (Macallan 12 or >), a little bit of weed (edibles with high CBD (hybrid is fine but a few sativas and indicas would be nice)), small house or swanky apartment (in a nice walkable part of town with at least three coffee shops (one of these being a Starbucks is cool) and several non-chain (small chain like Torchy’s or a Colorado exotic such as Zaxby’s works too) restaurants, high speed internet connection (encrypted and shit), high class hooker (any ethnicity aged 25 to 35 years); while only using my left pinky to peck a few articles out on my laptop. Except for the plastic bag ban. Kinda funny that Walmart and Whole Foods are leading the charge here. Your broke ass is gonna have to fork over a buck or fill the cargo pants if you forgot to bring your own bag to Walmart. Whole Foods just charges a dime for a paper sack which seems to be against the spirit of the whole thing but it does sting a little less in the moment.

Or have you forgotten about all of those and are whipped into a frenzy every breakfast over the college kids cheering for Palestine at one of the worst times in history to cheer for Palestine. The people in the US that cheered 10/7 are as bad as the people that cheered 9/11. I know. But technically people cheering inside Israel about 10/7 would have been the same level of bad considering there is often a detached ignorance of issues happening in foreign countries by the ill-informed and phone addicted. Most of us understand college kids are going to do some and say some dumb shit. Unfortunately, these things will go on their permanent record nowadays due to that damn ole phone. I think we should give them a chance to wisen up a little. Being told you’re wrong and time reinforcing it is one of the best ways to learn something. If they want to hang onto it then carefully put them in a category we don’t talk to. I’m confident many of the college kids misplaced their legitimate gripes about Netanyahu’s shit show of a government into a youthful exuberance for rooting for the “bad guy”. Same as many others rooting for street or motorcycle gang members, Mafioso turds, old timey murderous bank robbers, and old along with new timey insurrectionists. Not sure what to say about the college professors. I think they’re scared shitless of the students. Poly Sci and History professors may have some explaining to do if they want to keep their jobs. A Botany professor explaining the complexities of what a pistil is might can be excused for just not wanting to be canceled by a classroom full of horny yet repressed and rowdy rich kids.

Did you ever do any dumb stuff in college Billy? Your whole woohoo for the Vietnam War as an Ivy League Sigma Nu candyass finds little credence with people of your age regardless of whether one found themselves on the soldier or protester side. Hell, Creedence even wrote a song about people in your yacht or coxed eight. I reckon you were too busy with your studies and keggers to get down to the enlistment office. Is it true that you were also pro-mass incarceration? Except for the guys in the Iran Contra Affair you recommended for a pardon to HW. The same guys I mentioned earlier that sold weapons to Hezbollah. Were any of your old college buddies heavily invested in the for profit prison system by any chance? I bet the drug wars really boosted their portfolio if they were to have been invested in the for profit prison system that is. A high percentage of US citizens have decided not to be a devil’s advocate for mass incarceration.

Did you watch the second season of Mayor of Kingstown? Binged it myself last week with the free trial of Paramount +. Stars Jeremy Renner and Diane West. Kingstown is based on mass incarceration. Things really turned to shit after the prison riot at the end of last season. This situation was a little trickier than the Hot Talladega Nights situation you skillfully diffused to get your wings but you might have a deeper understanding of the gravitas of the Kingstown riot depiction than the average bloke. Renner’s the Mayor but not really. He’s more of a pro-bono mob boss / fixer / union rep kind of guy. His head is all fucked up due to this sweet little piece of ass that he ain’t even fuckin’. I was stratching my head about the situation until I saw her in that little black dress on the last episode. She was also a hooker for a Russian mobster. You think they really implant tracking chips in their hoes? I liked that the Mayor’s Mom, West, was nice to the hooker. You might be into the Mom since she’s from your generation and been through a wringer worse than you. I like Rebecca myself. But since it’s a fantasy with no repercussions, Bunny’s cousin would probably be the funnest for a Vegas weekend type of thing. It would be interesting to hear if anyone brought up a possible negative scenario like Kingstown when you were drawing up mass incarceration utopias back in the 80’s. And were they wearing a skinny tie when they brought up the scenario. Dammit! I think I was supposed to cancel my free trial last night.

A good Catholic boy such as yourself must have been pretty pissed off about not being able to arrest all those Catholic Priest Pedophiles (CPP) when you were running the show. I mean, here you are, the top cop in the most moral nation ever, without the means to throw these CPPs into some for profit prison where they can longer do any harm to society. You could have even made the CPPs take confessionals from the other prisoners regardless of their faith. Locking the CPPs in a cell overnight with the world hardened criminal would probably give both ample time to achieve a thorough understanding of each other’s soul. Speaking of souls, you might be the one person able to save the soul of the Catholic Church by getting the Pope to turn over the list of CPPs along with the aiders and abettors so this nasty little stain doesn’t remain for eternity. Future generations may not be as forgiving as your generation was for the sins of a weird social club. Maybe the reins of the Catholic Church should be officially given to lawyers and judges in this country at least. Surely purveyors of morality and justice would stomp this out. The lawyer / client confidentiality standards already in place would make things like confessionals a match made in heaven. I’d let you boys sort out the billing headaches.

I don’t think anybody would have a real problem with all this “evil liberal agenda” talk if Trump was out of the way. Most have become somewhat numb to this anyway after enduring the slow water drip of the Buckley and Limbaugh types along with their clones for the past 60 years or so. At some point people are going to start thinking all this bluster about the left is just a hastily constructed false wall protecting the secret of the right’s failed policies of the past 60 years or so. It’s one thing for supply-side economics to leave the country with a wealth gap wider than 1929 but it is another to leave this country with the venereal discharge of Trump trickling down on our heads. Carlin was almost right. Maybe it’s time for a dose of penicillin into the right arm of the ole Red, White and Blue. Once it clears up, let’s say we let the next generation sort out the learned lessons from the various failed experiments performed within our country as opposed to repeating the same old tired ideas entrenched on both sides.

Just a few things to mull over as you prep for your numerous testimonies in the numerous trials your old buddy dragged you into. Have you considered a road / ayahuasca trip with somebody like Dick Cheney to Sturgis or Rushmore by any chance? Might clear the fuzz. One of your old CIA contacts could probably score some quality product and somebody like Liz Cheney could be your guide if getting a real Shaman makes you nervous. People swear by it. Good luck whichever path you choose.

Mack Don Coyote

The Mackeson Institute

An Extreme Moderate Think Tank