Hot Russian Nights
Friends, how many of us have them?
Act V Scene V
Meanwhile….
Krasean: Vera! Yo!
Vera: Hello Krasean. Looks like I do have the right Skuratov.
Krasean: This is it. You sure are a fast walker. I had to break into a power walk to catch up.
Vera: I do a power walk everywhere. Without the crazy arm thing. It took me years to find the grace and flow to make it look like a runway model walk with speed. My hips used to get so sore. Now they are strong.
Krasean: I noticed your strength in yoga class. It’s quite impressive.
Vera: I love yoga so much. You are not bad either. Especially for starting in middle age.
Krasean: Shit, I’m still trying to fix all the shit I messed up during my dark ages.
Vera: Dark ages. You are so funny. I do know what you are saying. My first 12 years of my life were also dark without yoga.
Krasean: How long you been doing yoga?
Vera: 28 years and I know what you are doing.
Krasean: Holy shit! I thought you might be 28 tops.
Vera: Hee hee. I know, right? I love being 39 though. Especially since I still get the university student discount at Submit. You better not tell.
Krasean: These lips are sealed.
Vera: Hee hee.
Krasean: Here we are.
Vera: Would you mind holding my lipstick? I am sorry to burden you but I am having a hard time fitting it in my pants. And I noticed that you have several empty pockets on your thighs. Some skank stole my lipstick the last party I attended.
Krasean: Fo sho. I gots a little pocket over here that I haven’t even used yet.
Vera: You are a prince.
Krasean and Vera enter the Skuratov. The other coffee party attendees are already present. Alina is chatting with the three baristas (Ofeliya, Anya and Florence) while the Skuratov owner and some Russian dude listen intently.
Krasean: Hey, hey, hey!
Skuratov Owner: Krasean In the house! Tell me what coffee you and your friend would like. All drinks are on the house.
Krasean: Well if it’s gonna be that kind of party, I’m gonna put my dick in the mashed potatoes.
The group looks at Krasean rather puzzled.
Krasean: Cultural reference misfire. I’ll take a quad espresso and some help with this triple X blunt.
The group oohs and aahs as Krasean sparks it up.
Alina: Butter my pan and flip those cakes!
Florence: I said goddamn!
SRD: Holy shit!
Ofeliya: I have never even seen a cigar that big.
Anya: I will need both hands.
Florence and Alina exchange a glance and a giggle.
Vera: I will have a double mocha with skinny oat milk. Make it decaf with whipped cream. Add some organic simple syrup if it is made with turbinado sugar. Is your coffee shade grown?
SO: Of course. I be right back.
Vera: Now I want to wrap my lips on that thang. How did you walk here with that in your pants?
Krasean: Very carefully.
The group erupts in laughter with some applause.
Florence: Krasean, put on one of your playlists. I have grown tired of this gypsy pop.
Krasean, noticing that the atmosphere is already dripping in sexuality, picks a playlist to suit his own mood. Though it was but late afternoon, Wilson Pickett’s “In the Midnight Hour” turned the coffee party into a dance party for the next 55 minutes give or take a few minutes for sips on full mugs of various coffee drinks. Yola’s “I Don’t Want to Lie” found Krasean and Vera paired off seemingly oblivious to the improvised yet seemingly well choreographed dancing of Alina and Florence. The 7Horse was then allowed to run bringing a smile to the face of SRD with “Flying High”. Everyone was feeling fine for Sublime’s “Badfish”. Little Stevie Wonder’s arguably best song, “I Wish”, had Ofeliya wishing she had worn more appropriate shoes. Biggie brought the SO out from behind the counter with “Hypnotize”. Mother’s Finest had Vera shaking what her Mama gave her even more vigorously with “Baby Love”. “The Rain” spared no one from getting wet and unlike the feelings of Missy Elliott, no one here seemed to mind. Anya had both of her hands in the air the whole time Khruangbin’s “Time (You and I)” was playing. Krasean, worrying he may have thrown gasoline on the fire a little too early, danced with a bitten bottom lip while hoping for no neck injuries for the entirety of Lana Del Rey’s “Peppers” as the girls whipped their hair to and fro in various crouches. Krasean was relieved to see the temperature gauge drop slightly as his “Naked Eye”, by Luscious Jackson, could not detect any sprains or cricks at this juncture. A second smaller joint was lit as Florence sang all the words to “Kiss You Back” with the exception of a slap of Vera’s rump as the Digital Underground faded out. All agreed it was a good day but only Krasean knew the “Footsteps in the Dark” belonged to Cannons. Macy Gray did not sneak up on anyone with “Over You” as Vera snuck in a quick reach around on Krasean. Herbie Mann’s “Memphis Underground” prompted Krasean to excuse himself to the little boy’s room as this was his favorite song to walk to. Krasean, with his game face on, took care of business and completed the paperwork when most would only be fretting over whether to perform a courtesy flush. The strike of a match and a solid hand wash still left Krasean ample time for a three second pep talk in the mirror before walking out to enjoy the second half of “Memphis Underground”.
The party was reduced to a gentle simmer as the music mellowed slightly. Some danced while others grabbed another coffee drink and talked. At least two people were dancing at any given for the entire party. The phone rang at about 7:00 Moscow standard time.
SO: Yello? Ok. Oh right. I will be there in 15 minutes.
Krasean: Did you get drafted for military service?
SO: I am afraid the war effort is not quite at the point where an old one legged man is needed.
Alina: But you dance like MC Hammer? How do you manage those moves with a fake leg?
SO: I dropped off a bottle of vodka at the recruiting station 40 years ago. After a few hours I tried to enlist while wearing a fake leg. I was put on the list of “Last To Conscribe”.
SRD: Nice!
SO: I ran into the recruiter one night and told him the truth. He laughed and made me buy him a bottle of vodka. We became friends. He stops by when he is in town.
Alina: You are an old dog and I like old dogs.
SO: Yet doggie style is not in my top three positions. Go figure. Unfortunately I must go to my daughter’s gymnastic meet. She is not very good but she waves at me while smiling after every fall. She is making a blooper reel for TikTok. She wants to be a comedian or something. She has already broken an arm and two teeth. I am worried she may fulfil my curse for lying to Mother Russia. Music and weed was amazing Krasean. We should do this again soon. Anya. Do you have your keys?
Anya furiously ran to her purse then the cubby. She was too high to think of anywhere else to look.
Anya: No.
SO: Seriously? Well, you kids do not have to go home but you must be getting on up out of here.
Alina: That is ok. I want some vodka now. Who is down?
Everyone immediately agreed with the exception of Krasean and Vera. Krasean, being on point like never before, explained that he needed to stop by the hardware store that just happened to be near Vera’s apartment so he could begin building a birdhouse first thing in the morning. Vera, being horny like never before, said she would join Krasean since it was on her way home and she was tired and she really liked birds.
Alina: Oh. Well I will be quiet when I stumble in. Unless I decide to do some gymnastic bloopers.
Alina knew something was up. She had observed Vera yelling at a Blue Tit just a few days ago. Krasean, not knowing Alina was Vera’s roommate, felt a tingle go up his spine and back down his legs. Florence knew she had to find a way to crash at Vera and Alina’s apartment. Ofeliya had just started her period. SRD was hoping they would pass a food truck on the way to the bar. Anya was relieved no one seemed angry at her for not having her keys.
Of course Krasean ended up having sex with Vera in what he considered to be his best performance in over a decade. Vera caught a glimpse of her ass in the mirror during a position switch and knew she was at the top of her game. The exhausted lovers found themselves lying on each other on the now sheetless bed with only the mattress pad remaining in place.
Krasean: I’m gonna fall asleep on your ass.
Vera: No. What if I cut cheese?
Krasean: Honestly don’t think I’ll care.
Vera: You are a prince.
Krasean: Nah. I’m more of an idiot.
Vera: I … I need to tell you something.
Krasean: What? Is some mother fucker named Ivan with a bulging forehead vein gonna kick the door down any second?
Vera: Ew. No. I have never been with an Ivan. I was not honest with you earlier.
Krasean: Oh. Ok. Well we can start being honest now. Go ahead. I can’t be mad at you.
Vera: Thank you for that. I lied to you earlier tonight. I turned 40 three weeks ago. I am so sorry.
Krasean: Oh shit. I’m 52.
Vera: No way! I thought you were about 45.
Krasean: The magic of yoga.
Vera: I feel silly. I know age should not matter.
Krasean: It’s ok. I actually have something I need to get off my chest too.
Vera: Yes. Please, go ahead.
Krasean: When you asked me if I was hungry when we first walked in. Well, I actually was hungry. Just didn’t want to risk cramping later.
Vera: You dirty liar. Is that why you went down on me for so long?
Krasean: Nah. I had already had planned to do that a few weeks ago.
Vera: There is pizza in the fridge.
Krasean: This night keeps getting better.
Vera: It is Pizza Hut.
Krasean: Oh.
Vera: I am teasing. It is Volante.
Krasean: Oh my god.
Vera: Bring the box in here. I will make the bed.
Krasean opens the box to find only one piece missing. He takes a bite of the largest slice right away and feels a tingle again as he hears a familiar but somewhat slurred voice.
Alina: If you save two slices, I will give you two other slices instead.
Krasean: Hey girl. You for real. Who’s the other slice?
Alina: Florence.
Krasean: You got Florence! I gotta check with Vera first.
Alina: Bring her down. I have wanted to gently bite her ass ever since she moved in.
Krasean: I fuckin did that first thing. It is amazing. I’ll be right back.
Vera, still feeling guilty for her lie, agreed. Krasean had two additional slices as Florence and Alina ravaged Vera in a way even more ferocious than he had done earlier. Krasean joined in as each girl took turns having their one slice of pizza. Afterwards Krasean fell asleep on Vera’s ass. Either Florence or Alina cut cheese during the night, as did Krasean.